The Day I Tried to Live
by DuJour
Summary: Third and final chapter up! Despite reluctance from Morpheus, Trinity goes against protocol to unplug Tess after she sees something that she shouldn't have seen.
1. Default Chapter

The Day I Tried to Live

By: DuJour

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to any characters other than Tess – the rest belong to the Wachowski brothers, god bless 'em. 

_A/N: This whole Tess thing started after my third viewing of Reloaded when I began to think about Soren - I felt bad for him and thought he needed a woman.  The next morning I woke up with the character of Tess firmly implanted in my brain and began writing Reflection.  I originally intended it to be more of a Soren-related story, but Tess ended up taking over and I thought there was much more I could explore with her.  Is she a Mary-Sue?  Maybe. But I'm way too old to be using OCs for wish fulfillment fantasies (plus, she's with Soren for god's sake!) I just always wanted to write about someone else's take on the whole red pill/blue pill decision (from a female perspective) and the experience of being unplugged.  This has been explored frequently with Trinity's character, so I decided to go back and write about Tess's experience.  I also wanted to explain why Trinity insisted on bringing Tess into the real world – and to explore a softer, more maternal, side of Trinity.  I hope this helps explain things a bit._

_BTW, props to Karen for the beta read and to an old Soundgarden song for the title.   _

I stared down at the two pills laid out on the table before me, each resting on its own tiny white plate.  Red on the left, blue on the right, identical apart from their color.  There was nothing remarkable about either of them, but they were fascinating all the same.  I'd been told that whichever pill I chose would determine my fate.  These mysterious strangers – people that I had just met, that I had let whisk me away in the middle of the night - were asking me to put my complete trust in them, and to allow my future to be decided by a tiny little pill.  I can't believe I ever got in the car with them.

The man in the front passenger seat introduced himself to me as Morpheus.  The young Asian man in the driver's seat was called Ghost.  I sat in the back with Trinity, who I recognized from our encounter earlier in the alleyway.  

_This is how all this began.  I saw something I wasn't supposed to have seen in that alley.  Strange men doing things I never would have believed possible if I hadn't actually seen them with my own eyes.  And now, according to Morpheus and Trinity, I was in danger because of it.  They called me in the middle of the night to meet them in front of my building.  And for reasons I'm still not quite able to comprehend, I complied._

The ride was eerily quiet.  I suppose I should've asked more questions, but it just didn't seem like the thing to do.  I immediately trusted Trinity, though I wasn't sure why.  I didn't know her from Adam (or should I say Eve – her leather catsuit certainly did nothing to conceal her femininity).  It was the other two that I wasn't sure about.  Trinity seemed to trust them, so I decided to do the same until they gave me reason not to.

Though not as quiet as Ghost, Morpheus seemed to be rather prudent with his words.  While in the car, all he told me was that they picked me up because I was in danger, and that if I wanted to live, I would have to come with them.  He also made it clear that it was Trinity's decision to return for me, not his.  _How considerate of him_, I remember thinking sarcastically.

The only other thing that Morpheus told me during our short ride was that I should be prepared to say goodbye to everything I knew, because if I agreed to accompany them, I would never see anything or anyone I knew again.

Surprisingly, that was the least of my concerns.  There wasn't much holding me to life here, anyway.  I was barely making ends meet working in the lab while I tried to finish my dissertation, which was going nowhere.  I had all but given up the idea of completing my PhD.  Between work and school I hadn't had time for close friendships let alone a romantic relationship, and it had been over three years since I'd spoken to my parents.

There was only one thing holding me back and that was the idea of never seeing my brother again.  I was closer to Simon than anyone else in the world.  That was the way it worked with twins.  Though we now lived in separate cities, we remained close.  Whenever I needed anything, I knew I could call my twin brother and he would help me out.  He always had my back.  It was hard to think that I might never see him again.

_But it wouldn't be forever,_ I remember thinking.  _I'll hide out for awhile until this all blows over and then things will be back to normal.  Right?_

We pulled up to an abandoned garage somewhere deep in the maze of industrial warehouses not far from the hematology lab where I worked.  The car pulled into one of the garage bays and stopped with the engine left running.  Morpheus and Ghost exchanged acknowledging nods.

"This is where we get out," Morpheus said without looking back at either myself or Trinity.  He exited the front passenger seat and closed the door behind him.  As if waiting for this cue, Trinity got out as well. Ghost stayed in the car; apparently he was just the chauffer.  Trinity walked around to my side of the car and opened the door, signaling me to get out.  But I couldn't.  I was stuck to my seat, suddenly gripped with fear.  _What the hell was I doing here? I thought.  _If I follow them into that garage, I'll never make it out alive._  _

"Come on, Tess – its okay," Trinity said assuringly, hoping to coax me out of the car to join them.  

_What is it about her voice?_ I thought. _Why do I feel safer when she speaks to me?  _

I relented at her gentle pleading and stepped out of the car, closing the door behind me.  The car backed out of the garage and sped away as I was left standing between Morpheus and Trinity, about to face the unknown.  

_Now the unknown was staring right back at me.  _

I picked up and fingered the red pill, watching Morpheus's expressionless gaze as I did.  I took note of its simplicity, its translucence.  I noticed how unremarkable it looked.  How superficially harmless it seemed.  _What was so special about this pill?_ I thought.  _How could such a little thing change my life?_

I set the red pill back down on its plate and picked up the blue one, looking for any change in Morpheus's expression.  I saw none, but I could almost feel Trinity staring at me from behind, her eyes boring into the back of my skull.  _She doesn't want me to take this pill,_ I thought.

I carefully examined the blue pill as I had done with the red one.  This pill had an aura of comforting familiarity that the red pill lacked - a cautious serenity that was almost as if it were tempting me to take it.  The idea of putting this pill in my mouth seemed rational.  It seemed sane.  It seemed right.  

I opened my mouth and placed the blue pill on my tongue, thinking it would slide effortlessly down my throat and that would be the end of it.  I would return home and forget about this ridiculous Matrix business. I wasn't really in danger. No one would be coming after me. They were just trying to scare me.

I allowed a bit excess saliva to pool in my mouth and involuntarily relaxed my throat muscles, preparing to ingest the pill.  As it slid down my tongue and headed for my esophagus, I began to relax, anxious to put an end to all this silliness.

Then, suddenly, the pill stopped its descent.  It had lodged itself somewhere near my tonsils.  I gagged and gasped for air, but couldn't find any.

I was choking on the blue pill. 

Instinctively, I bent my head down between my knees and tried my hardest to hack it up.  I was finally able to cough and the pill dislodged itself from my windpipe and was again resting on my tongue.

Feeling certain this was a sign that I made the wrong choice, I spat the blue pill out onto the dirty garage floor, snatched the red pill from the table, and swallowed it down with the glass of water that had been provided for me before I had a chance to reconsider.  

"Good girl," I heard Morpheus say as I closed my eyes and attempted to come to terms with what I had just done. I kept my eyes closed because I was afraid to open them.  I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, waiting for the effects of the pill to kick in, expecting to feel somehow different.  I didn't.  The only thing that felt any different was that someone was now gently stroking my hair.  It was Trinity, in an apparent attempt to comfort me.  

"Let's get her in the chair." 

I opened my eyes as I felt two sets of hands on each of my arms, helping me off the wooden crate where I had been sitting.  I couldn't understand why they thought I needed help getting up until I realized how dizzy I was when I tried to stand.  My legs had suddenly turned to jelly.

Morpheus and Trinity lead me into a small room just off to the side of the larger garage that I hadn't noticed when they first brought me here.  What used to be an office was now transformed into a crude computer workstation complete with stacks of processors and monitors, tangles of wire, some very ancient looking modems and what appeared to be some outdated medical equipment.  I recognized something that looked like an old EKG machine that we had back in the lab.   Sitting in the middle of it all was a wooden high-back chair that had been modified with locking footrests and leather restraint straps.  

There were two people in the room, attending to the equipment.  A young man with wavy black hair was sitting behind one of the computers while a rather androgynous-looking blonde woman seemed to be monitoring the medical equipment.  Neither did more than casually glance at me as I was led into the room.

As I scanned the room checking out this menacing setup, my first instinct was to get the hell out of there as fast as possible.  But I knew better.  I was beginning to feel so lethargic; I doubted my legs could have carried me if I tried to run.  My mind wanted to panic, but my body wouldn't allow it.  

Everything seemed to slow down.  My vision was becoming blurry, my head was swimming, and I felt heavy all over, like I'd just stepped out of the pool with all my clothes on.  Voices were beginning to muffle behind the odd humming in my ears. 

_What the hell was in that pill?_ I thought.

I felt myself being lowered into the chair.  I could just make out the figure of Morpheus in front of me placing my feet into the footrests and locking them in place.  Without a word to me, he then stood up and secured the leather straps snuggly around my arms.  Finally, he reached around me and pulled the thick leather strap around my waist and attached it to the back of the chair.

I closed my eyes again, lids too heavy to remain open much longer.  I felt Trinity's hand brush an errant strand of hair from my forehead.  

"It's not too tight is it?" she asked.

"No" I managed to say, but my voice sounded odd – much higher pitched than usual, with a strange echo.

It took me a minute to realize that she was still speaking to me as she began to place what I could only assume were electrodes on my body.  She attached them to each arm, my neck, and my chest, even lifting up my blouse to attach one to my side. Despite my increasingly sedated state, I could feel gooseflesh form on abdomen as she brushed her fingers against my skin. 

"Try to relax, Tess.  I'm right here with you," she whispered in my ear as she smoothed my blouse back down, re-covering my exposed torso.  "I know you're scared, but it will all be over soon and we'll have lots to talk about."

I tried to nod my head to show her that I was okay, but I wasn't sure if my gesture came across.  It's true; I wasn't scared anymore - not at that point.  I was growing too sedated to remain frightened.  I was just so very tired.  All I wanted to do was to relax into her beautiful, soothing voice and drift away.

My bliss was momentarily interrupted by the feeling of a pin prick somewhere in the vicinity of my right arm.  I was able to open my eyes just enough to see a hypodermic needle sliding slowly into the back of my hand.  My arm muscles momentarily twitched at the feeling and I felt a tingling sensation crawling up my arm, spreading first to my chest, then to my entire body.  Once the sensation had engulfed me, I was unable to move.

I was now completely at the mercy of the red pill.     

"Is she ready, Trinity?"  I heard Morpheus ask.

"As ready as she'll ever be," Trinity answered.

"Apoc, let me know when you get a signal." Morpheus said to someone behind me.  "Switch, watch her vitals.  We don't want a repeat of last time."

_Last time?_ I thought.  _What the hell happened last time?_

That was the last conscious thought I had before I was seized by a chilling sensation that traveled from the tips of my toes up through my legs, into my torso, down my arms and back again. It was a horribly painful sensation, one that burned as well as it chilled - what I imagined frostbite must feel like, only much, much worse.  

The chill continued to snake slowly up my spine, finally settling in the base of my skull where I was sure the pain would kill me.  I tried to scream out, hoping that maybe someone could stop this before it was too late, but I   was completely paralyzed.  I could not speak, I could not breathe.  I could only feel my heart pounding faster and faster in my chest; and just when I thought that it might explode from fright - nothing.  Blackness overwhelmed all my senses and as far as I knew, at that moment I ceased to be.

In a way, that is exactly what happened.


	2. Chapter 2

The Day I Tried to Live

Chapter 2

By: DuJour

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to any characters other than Tess – the rest belong to the Wachowski brothers, god bless 'em. 

A/N: Rating changed for very brief, mild f/f slash.  

I could hear voices.  I couldn't open my eyes or speak, but I could distinctly hear both a male and a female voice speaking to each other somewhere close by.  I appeared to be lying on my back on some sort of table, but I wasn't sure because I couldn't really feel anything. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. All I could do was listen.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Trinity.  It makes me uncomfortable to unplug them at her age."

"I know.  I told you I would take full responsibility if anything goes wrong."

"Why her?  I still don't understand.  I realize that you felt sorry for her, but you know we can't save them all, simply out of pity."

"It wasn't just pity, Morpheus.  When I first saw her hiding in that phone booth, I saw the fear in her eyes.  I could _feel_ her terror, and I remembered what it was like the first time I came up against an agent.  And I remembered how I felt when I first realized that what I was seeing couldn't possibly be real."

"So you saw something of yourself in her?"

"You could say that."

"I see."

"Plus, once I found out about her medical background, I thought that she could be an asset to us.  You can't find that kind of training in a teenager."

"That may be true Trinity, but anyone can be trained rather easily.  We have plenty of programs…"

"There was something else, Morpheus.  I can't explain it, but when I saw her - I knew she was meant to be here.  I don't know why, but I just knew we had to get her out.  You can understand that, can't you?"

"Yes. Yes I can."

With that, I drifted back into unconsciousness.

I had no idea how long I slept, but I woke up to a strong smell that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was like a combination of engine grease and a burning electrical smell covering up an underlying musty dampness.  And I was cold. I had a brief recollection of being in an old garage, but I couldn't remember why I was there or even when that was.  Maybe I was still there. 

I tried to listen for the voices again, but all I could hear at first was a low, steady humming that seemed to emanate from no where in particular.  Then I recognized another sound - footsteps.  They were muffled, but I could hear what sounded like heavy heels treading on metal ground.  I thought I could make out three distinct sets, but maybe there were more.  

I tried as hard as I could to concentrate and hear above the humming and beyond footsteps.  Finally, I heard the voices again.  They were low and stifled, but they were there.  Most of what I heard seemed to be men's voices, but one was distinct - female and familiar, but still too muffled for me to make out any of what she was saying.  

I had to figure out where I was.  I hesitantly tried to open my eyes, but my lids were so heavy I had a difficult time.  When I was finally able to open them enough to let some light in, I instantly knew why I hesitated.  A sharp pain shot right into the back of my skull and my eyes felt like they were being scalded.   Even the smallest sliver of light caused a great deal of pain.

_What the hell was going on?_

I slammed my eyelids shut tight.  

_OK, I thought, __let's _try something different._  I attempted to move my hands.  I was weak, but I was able to open and close my fingers.  I stretched my fingers out to try to get a sense of where I was lying.  I felt a rough blanket covering some type of bedding - maybe a cot.  I was able to move my hands to the edge of where I lie and I could feel the edges of a mattress.  __Definitely a cot.  _

Since my arms seemed to work, I thought I'd try my legs.  I wiggled my toes and rotated my feet at the ankles.  I noticed that they just hung over the edge of the cot.  Again, I felt weak - and wouldn't have trusted trying to put weight on my legs - but I seemed to have all my limbs intact.  That was something at least.  

I got ambitious and tried to move my head from side to side, which proved to be a big mistake.  I was able to rotate my head slightly, but only with a great deal of discomfort that was immediately followed by a horrible dizziness and a sickening wave of nausea.  My body heaved involuntarily at the onset of the nausea and I felt certain that I would vomit, but nothing came up. I did, however, seem to capture the attention of whoever in the room with me.  

"Trinity, she's awake."  I heard an unfamiliar voice say.  He sounded vaguely British.

_Trinity? I pondered the name.  _I know that name.__

"Tess, can you hear me?" asked a familiar voice.

I was able to nod yes.

"It's okay.  You're okay now."

I felt a warm, soft hand on my forehead.  I tried to open my eyes again, despite the pain that I felt with my first attempt.  I couldn't help it.  I had to see who this familiar voice belonged to.

"No, don't open your eyes, yet.  They're still too sensitive.  You'll be able to open them a little later, once the lights are down."

I heard what she said, but I didn't want to obey.  I was even more curious now to see who was speaking to me.  Whose hand was holding mine so softly.  Whose breath I could feel tickle my ear as she leaned in to whisper to me.  

 "Tess, you've got to trust me.  Just listen to me and I'll get you through this, okay?"

I nodded.  I obeyed.  Whoever it was, how could I not trust that voice?  It was almost hypnotic. 

"Stryker, get some bandages.  Tess, I'm going to have Stryker bandage your eyes, so you won't be tempted to open them.  It's just for a little while, I promise."

"Who's Stryker?"  I said.

These were the first words I'd spoken since I regained consciousness and they burned like fire spewing from my throat.

I heard the man's voice chuckle.

"_I'm_ Stryker.  I've been helping Trinity here take care of you."

_Trinity.  That's who the voice belonged to.  It was all starting to come back to me.  The agents.  The pill.  Morpheus.  Then something else.  Something else I couldn't quite remember._

"I've got to say I'm quite honored that my name was your very first word."

"Stryker, the bandages," I heard Trinity warn.

I felt strong hands gently lift my head up to allow a bandage roll to be wound around my head and over my eyes.  It hurt my neck muscles just to have my head lifted even slightly like this.  Everything was still so sore, but despite the pain I knew it would cause, I continued to speak.  I had so many questions.

"Where am I?" I asked, trying to limit my speech to a whisper, hoping that would hurt less.  

I felt Trinity's hand take mine again as Stryker finished up with the bandages. Her touch was both gentle and firm, not unlike her voice. 

"You're on Morpheus's hovership, Tess.  The Nebuchadnezzar.  We brought you here after you took the pill.  Do you remember?"

"I remember the pill.  And then something else, but I'm not sure…"

"Don't worry about the rest right now.  I just want you to know that you're safe.  Stryker is one of our crew members.  He's been helping me take care of you."

"What happened to me?" I croaked. 

"We rescued you, love," Stryker quipped rather jovially.

"Oh. Thanks."  Despite the millions of questions that his statement presented me with, that was all I could manage to get out.  I still didn't know what had happened to me, had no idea where I was, and not a clue as to who or what I had been rescued from.  

All these questions swirled about my head, and I desperately wanted answers to them all, but fatigue prevented me from demanding the answers I needed right then.  I began to get dizzy again and couldn't talk any longer.  Trinity must have noticed how quickly I was wearing down.  She gently squeezed my hand and released it. 

"They'll be plenty of time for questions later.  You should try to go back to sleep."  

This time I was happy to obey her order.

When I woke, I could feel someone sitting on the cot next to me.  Even without the benefit of sight, I could tell it was Trinity.  I smiled, both to acknowledge her presence and because I felt so much better than I did earlier.  Much of the soreness was gone and my throat no longer felt like it was on fire.

     "How'd you sleep?"  She was caressing my forehead, which felt lovely, but odd.  Something didn't feel quite right.  Then it hit me.  I had no hair.  I reached up to feel for myself and sure enough, I was bald but for a bit of soft stubble.  

     "Don't worry. It'll grow back," Trinity chided, noticing my concern.

I continued to run my hand over my newly shorn locks.  I could feel the shape of my skull, which I'd never been able to do before.  I noticed I had a slight dip right in the center and a hollow between two tiny ridges down the back.  I followed this hollow with my fingertips until they caught on something round and metallic that seemed to be pressed into the back of my skull. 

"What the fuck?!" I yelled as I instinctively tried to pull this thing off my head.  I didn't know what it was, but I knew it wasn't supposed to be there.

"Trinity, help get this thing off me!"

"Tess, don't…" she cautioned calmly.  

I wasn't in the mood for calm.

"Now Trinity! Get it off me now!"  I yelled as I tried even more furiously to dig this thing out of my skull, but since I didn't appear to have much in the way fingernails, my efforts were rather futile.  

"Stop it, Tess!  Just stop it!"  Trinity commanded as she grabbed my arms, pulled them away from my head, and held them down to my sides.  

Damn, she was strong.

"Calm down, its okay.  It's just a plug.  It's not going to hurt you.  I have one too. See."

She guided my hand to the back of her head, where I felt an identical plug buried in her hair.  

_Why hadn't I noticed this before? I thought._

"Trinity, what are they?" 

"I'll tell you but you've got to promise to calm down." 

I promised.  Again, her voice was lulling me into submission.     

     "Good. I think we can take these off now," she said as she began unwinding the bandages from my head.  Even with the bandages off, it was hard to see and it took a while for my eyes to adjust to my new surroundings, but at least they didn't hurt this time.  

It was dark in the tiny room except for one dim lantern on the wall beside my cot.  The room was small and spartan.  Besides my cot on one wall and a table on the other, the room was bare.  Bare and industrial.  In fact, it wasn't so much a room as it was a cell.     

I recognized Trinity sitting on the edge of the cot immediately, even without the black leather.  I actually thought she looked even more beautiful now, in a tattered grey sweater and work pants.  And her eyes.  I'd not seen her eyes before – they'd always been shaded.  But now, I could see that they were the most beautiful pools of crystal blue.  They stood out brightly in the room, where everything else seemed to be tinted a dull grey.  

     "Is that better?" she asked.

     "Yes," I answered with a hesitant voice.

"I'm going to show you something now.  Don't be afraid."

     Trinity gently rolled back the sleeve of my shirt to reveal two small plugs in my forearm.  She sat back and let me ponder my new ornamentation for a moment.  I fingered the plug on my left arm, halfway down the underside of the forearm.  It was black and round, about the size of a quarter.

     "We used that one as an IV port to feed you while you were recovering."

     "Oh."  That's all I could say as I continued to study the plug with my finger and my eyes.  "Oh."  

In an attempt at sympathetic solidarity, Trinity rolled up her own sleeve to show me that she had the same plugs in her arms as well.  

     "Are there... more?" I asked.

     She turned away from me and for a moment I thought that I had somehow offended her, but instead of turning to leave, she began to lift up her sweater.  As she pulled it up over her arms, I noticed the plugs on her back.  Six in a row, straight up her spine.  She lifted the garment up completely over her head, dropped it on the cot beside us and turned to face me.  I could see that she had two plugs in her chest, one just above each breast.  I looked up into her eyes and posed my silent question while hesitantly extending my hand.  She granted her permission with a nod and a soft smile.

     My fingertips touched the plug just above her right breast.  It was a very strange feeling.  Something so odd and foreign, yet very much a part of her human body.  She stayed very still and allowed me to explore, all the while keeping her eyes fixed on mine.

     As I continued to run my fingertips over the plug, I noticed how it was slightly cooler than her warm skin.  And how the black metal contrasted harshly with her milky complexion.  With the very tip of my index finger, I began to make small circles, extending them radially from the center of the plug outwards.  When I reached the border where the metal met skin, I traced a circle around the outside of the plug, further attempting to comprehend this symbiosis between flesh and steel.

     Goosebumps began to appear on Trinity's chest and shoulders as she let out a long, deep sigh.  Suddenly, and unexpectedly, I realized that it wasn't just the plug that I wanted to explore.  I slowly let my finger wander down to where the skin of her breast began to darken and traced a circle around the areola, just as I had done with the plug.  Her goosebumps seemed to multiply with my touch and she sucked in a deep breath and closed her eyes.  I noticed her nipple had hardened and I couldn't resist softly rolling it between my thumb and index finger, reveling in its warmth in my gentle grasp.

     Trinity let out the breath that she had been holding in, and with it came a small, contented moan.  She opened her eyes to look at me and I immediately felt ashamed and worried that I'd done something wrong and I quickly removed my fingers from her breast.  Then, she softly smiled and I knew that she was okay with what I had done.

     "I'm sorry," I tried to explain.  "I just wanted to..."

     "It's okay, Tess.  You just wanted to feel something real."

     With that, she surprised me by reaching her hand up under my shirt.  She trailed her fingers up my chest, then up and over my left breast, pausing momentarily as she lightly brushed my own hardened bud with her thumb.

     The sensation of her touch was amazing.  Like nothing I'd ever felt before.  This certainly wasn't the first time I'd been touched this way, so why did it feel so different now?  Was is because she was a woman?  Because I'd never been touched by someone quite so beautiful?  I suspected that both of these reasons contributed to why I was feeling the way I was, but I knew that those weren't the only reasons.  There was something else causing the overwhelming sensation, but I didn't yet understand what it was.

     Trinity laid her palm over the plug on the left side of my chest, just over my heart.  She then took my hand and returned it to the same spot on her chest.  She leaned in close and I could again feel her breath tickling my ear.

     "See, you're just like me now," she whispered.  Her voice was seductive, but reassuring.

     As much as I wanted this information to comfort me, I still had too many questions.  I reluctantly removed my hand from her chest and she inched hers from beneath my shirt.

     "Trinity, why do we have them?  What are they for?"

     Seeing that I still had so many unanswered questions, Trinity settled back in her seated position on the cot, picked up her sweater and held it in front of her exposed chest. 

     "Well, they're not used for much of anything now.  But they used to keep you alive when you were plugged into the machine world.  Some were used to feed you, some were for excretion.  Others were used for neuro-muscular stimulation."

     "Wait a minute, what are you talking about – the machine world?  Is that where you brought me after I took the pill?"

     Trinity appeared to stifle a giggle at my question as she pulled her sweater back on.  "No Tess, by taking that pill, we saved you."

     "From what, those agent guys?"

     "Not exactly.  Tess, do you remember when I told you we'd have lots to talk about?"

     ~~~~~~~

     My mind was reeling as I listened to what Trinity was telling me.  It was just… unbelievable.  _My whole life was a lie?  All this time when I thought I was just going about my everyday business, I was being used as energy to feed machines who had taken over the world – nearly 200 years ago?  It was insane!_

My head was throbbing.  I couldn't take much more, but I'd come this far and now I needed to know everything, so I continued asking questions.

"So, all my life, I've been… asleep?" 

"Sort of.  You've basically been in suspended animation.  Sensory depravation.  That's why it's taken you so long to recover. We gave you acupuncture to stimulate your muscles and to improve your circulation. Your eyes just need a little time to adjust.  It will take a while getting used to things again, Tess, but we'll help you."

"We?"

"Myself, Stryker, and the rest of the crew.  You'll meet them later.  In fact, do you think you're up for a tour of the ship?"

"Sure," I said.

_Why not? I thought.  Taking a tour of a hovership was about the least strange idea I'd heard all day._


	3. Chapter 3

The Day I Tried to Live

Chapter 3

By: DuJour

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to any characters other than Tess – the rest belong to the Wachowski brothers, god bless 'em.  Quotes at the end are obviously blatantly ripped from Lewis Carroll's _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.  _

A/N: This is the third and final chapter.  I'm especially proud of this one.  No more Tess for awhile.  Thanks to everyone for the feedback!  Enjoy!

We'd finished our tour of the _Nebuchadnezzar and were now standing in a large room in the center of the ship that Trinity referred to as the core.  To our left was a console full of computer equipment with banks of monitors overhead; the top row displaying a strange green code that seemed to rain down onto the rows below.   _

_This is where the operator sits, she'd told me.  __Ok… sure, I'd said, not having the slightest clue what an operator was or why he needed so many monitors displaying the odd code.  To our right was a circle of seven chairs that reminded me of something you might have found in a dentist's office in the days before Novocain.  I spun around wide-eyed, trying to take it all in.  Trinity must have noticed my bewilderment._

"Do you need to sit down?" she asked. 

_Do I ever, I think.__ But I don't.___

     "What _is_ all this?" I asked surveying the bizarre set up. 

     "This is the equipment we use to enter the Matrix".

     "So this is how you… when you set me free, you…"  Words were beginning to fail me. 

"Mmm-hmm. We hacked into the Matrix then just like we did when you first saw us in the alley.  We only go in when we need to."

"But why… why would you _need to?  Other than to rescue someone?"  My wide eyes must have been positively gaping by this point.  _

Trinity sighed and looked at me like a mother might look at her child when she has to tell her something that she may not want to hear – like that there really isn't a Santa Claus. 

"Are you sure you don't want to sit down?" 

     I relented and took a seat in one of the reclining chairs.  The chair had a headrest, but I didn't lean back into it.  I sat tensely on the edge of the seat and watched as Trinity slid into the chair to the right of mine.  She leaned her head back, closed her eyes, took a deep breath and began to tell me all about the war with the machines.  She told me how she and the crew of the Neb were all part of the resistance – a group dedicated to one day defeating the machines and freeing everyone from the Matrix.  And she told me about Zion.  

     I sat and stared at her as she told her story. I tried to concentrate on her mouth as she spoke, taking notice of how her lips formed the words that she was speaking instead of letting the meaning of what she was saying sink in.  It was just so much to take in.  _Too_ _much.  After allowing me a few quiet minutes with my thoughts, Trinity sat up and broke the silence._

     "Tess, I know it's a lot to absorb, but you needed to know the truth.  All of it.  I figured I owed you that much."

"Trinity, there's something else I need to know," I asked looking up at her.  

"What is it?"  She returned my pleading gaze, comforting me with her big cerulean eyes.  I hesitated for a moment before asking my question, taking a deep breath to reassure myself that I really wanted to know the answer.

"What would have happened to me if I took the blue pill?"

It was now Trinity's turn to hesitate.  She broke her gaze from mine, to turn slowly in the direction of Morpheus, who was tending to a broken pipe on the other side of the cabin.  Morpheus stopped soldering the pipe as if he knew she had looked to him, even though he had his back to us.  

"You would have died," he said simply and without further acknowledgement, before going back to his repair. 

His answer hit me like a swift kick to the stomach.  Even though this was the answer that I both suspected and feared, I didn't realize how it would actually feel to hear it.  All I could ask was, "Why?"   

Morpheus continued to speak without turning around.  "You knew too much, Tess.  You saw too much.  The agents would have killed you."

 "If we hadn't picked you up, you probably wouldn't have lasted through the night," Trinity admitted.  She returned her eyes to mine and took my hand in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze in an attempt to emphasize her point.    

"You were very lucky that we got to you before they did."

At this, I broke free of her hand and stood up.  _Too fast.__  I was still a little woozy and had to steady myself against the back of the chair.  Trinity followed me up and held onto my shoulders from behind, so I wouldn't fall.  I tried to push her off me, but she held on tightly and I was much too weak to fight her._

"You could have at least let me have the chance!" I yelled to Morpheus.  "Maybe they would have left me alone, you didn't know for sure that I would have been killed.  You left me no chance!"

"Tess, calm down, you'll make yourself sick," Trinity whispered in my ear, gently but forcefully trying to push me back down into the chair and again attempting to calm me with her soothing voice.  It may have worked had Morpheus not interrupted.  He set his tools down and finally turned to face me.

"There _was_ no chance, Tess.  You must understand that agents do not leave anything to chance.  You'll realize that soon enough."

"But I don't even think they saw me.  I hid in the phone booth and…"

"Remember," Morpheus interrupted, "those weren't humans that you saw in that alley.  Believe me, our way is much less painful.  You would have simply fallen asleep and never known the difference."

I wasn't ready to accept Morpheus' explanation.  I turned to face Trinity as she released her grip on my shoulders. 

"Does this happen often?  I mean, how many people choose the blue pill?"  I knew I should probably let it drop, but I had to ask.

"It doesn't happen often."

"But it does happen?"

"Yes." 

"And when it happens, when someone takes the blue pill, you kill them?"

"Yes," she replied looking right into my eyes, her stare deep and solemn.

I felt sick to my stomach.  I probably would have thrown up, but I hadn't eaten anything since I arrived here.  _I guess I haven't ever eaten anything, I thought.  This notion made my head spin even worse.  I sank further into the chair, leaned my head back and closed my eyes tight.  I couldn't take much more._

"So it really wasn't a choice at all?  It was all bullshit?"  I asked quietly, to no one in particular.  It was more or less a rhetorical question, but Morpheus chose to answer.  

"You made the choice long ago.  You just didn't realize it until now.  Why do you think you choked on the blue pill?"

 "You made the right decision Tess," Trinity said, kneeling beside me and taking my hand in hers again. "You'll see.  I promise.  Come on, let's get you back to bed.  It's been a long day and you still need more rest."

Trinity pulled me to my feet and led me through the core, back toward the sleeping cabins.  When we passed Morpheus he reached out and grabbed me by the elbow.  

"Tess," he began, "listen to Trinity.  She's been in your shoes.  We all have.  It will be okay.  But you must trust us."

I nodded my consent with defeat, and Morpheus actually returned my acknowledgement with a smile; something that until that moment I wouldn't have guessed he was capable of doing.  

"Pleasant dreams, Tess," he said as he returned to his work.

Trinity led me back to my room and I collapsed facedown onto the thin, worn mattress.  I felt Trinity's gentle weight as she sat on the edge of the cot beside me.  She placed her hand on the back of my neck and gently kneaded the tense muscles there with her fingertips.  My first instinct was to push her hand away but her touch felt so good that I let her continue for a moment, until I rolled over and sat up with another question.

"Morpheus said that the agents were moving the way they were because they weren't human, right?"

"That's right," Trinity answered matter-of-factly. 

"But I saw you doing things too.  Things that just didn't seem…"

"Real?"

"Yeah."

"That's because the Matrix isn't real."

"Yeah, right, I get that.  I do.  But when I was in the Matrix, I could never do those things."

Trinity smiled warmly and choked back a laugh.

"That… takes practice."

Was she serious?  "You're kidding me, right?"

"With the right training, we can learn to manipulate the Matrix in small ways.  Some can do it much better than I can.  One day, you may be able to do things in there that you never would have believed possible before."

"I'm never going back in.  Not if everything that you've said is true.  Not if it isn't real.  It would just hurt too much."

With that my eyes began to cloud with liquid and I felt a single tear escape down my cheek.

"What can I do, Tess?" Trinity asked as she cupped my face in her hand and gently wiped away the tear with her thumb.  "I know it's hard, but is there anything I can do to make it easier?"

"It's just so much to digest.  Tell me.  How did you handle it?"

Trinity motioned for me to scoot over and I moved as far against the wall as I could on the tiny cot.  She swung her legs up and was now lying beside me on her back. I rolled over onto my side and propped myself up on my elbow to look at her as she spoke.  

She was truly stunning.  I admired her beauty from the moment I first laid eyes on her in the Matrix, covered in black vinyl.  She was even more beautiful here in the real world, even in her tattered ship's garb.  Her strong, angular features contrasted so nicely with her soft, nearly translucent skin and brilliant crystal blue eyes.  She was nearly perfect.

"Well," she began, as she settled in and helped herself to my pillow, "I was younger than you when I was unplugged.  Seventeen.  I had just finished high school - I graduated early just to get the hell out of there.  I didn't have many friends.  I had a boyfriend, but he wasn't very nice to me.  He was never violent, but he liked to play mind games.  Anyway, my mother died when I was very young and I was living with my father, but we were more like roommates than father and daughter.  He didn't bother me and I didn't bother him."

"So, I spent most of my time in my room, on my computer. Hacking.  Learning my way around cyberspace.  Finding backdoors.  That kind of thing.  I couldn't afford college, so I thought that hacking was a way to do something with my life.  To get out.  That's when I started learning about the Matrix.  When Morpheus found me, I was more than willing to go with him.  Even before I knew what I would have to give up, I somehow knew that Morpheus held the answers to all my questions.  Not just questions about the Matrix, but questions about my purpose."

I somehow had the feeling that Trinity didn't think about her past in the Matrix very often.  Something in the way she hesitated when she spoke, the slight catch in her voice.  The way her eyes darted back and forth as she stared at the ceiling.  I felt flattered that she shared it with me.

"Trinity, there's something else – I have a brother."

"No Tess, you don't."

"Yes, I do.  His name is Simon."

"No Tess."  She rolled over to look at me.  "You don't have a brother.  You may have had a brother in the Matrix, but this is the real world and we're your family now."

I understood her point, but didn't think she quite got mine.

"Right, I know.  Simon's in the Matrix.  But, what I wanted to know is, could we go save him?  You know, like you saved me?"

Trinity returned to her position on her back and shut her eyes.  

"That would be impossible."

"I know it would be a risk, but if you can go into the Matrix…"

"It would be impossible because Simon isn't real."

_What? Did I hear her right?  I couldn't have... _

"He was a computer simulation, Tess.  A program.  More specifically, a command - written into the code that dictated your virtual reality."

I stared down at Trinity, but she refused to open her eyes and return my gaze.  _Simon wasn't real.  He was never real.  Just like everything else..._

"Remember Tess, you were grown, not born.  Human eggs were harvested and randomly combined with human sperm.  The fertilized eggs were then planted in a pod.  That's how you were conceived.  It's very unlikely that you had any true brothers or sisters.  On the other hand, you may have had thousands of half-siblings."

I'm sure that what she said made sense, but I had stopped listening.  I just couldn't process any more new information.     

"So now that I'm unplugged, what happens to Simon?  I mean, what happens to the… program?" 

Trinity opened her eyes.  "When a program is no longer needed, it's deleted." 

Of all the things I'd learned since I woke up on this ship, that was the hardest for me to accept – the fact that Simon wasn't real.  I could accept the fact that I could never go back, that I would never see him again.  But I just couldn't get over the idea that if I did go back into the Matrix, Simon wouldn't be there waiting for me.  That he wasn't somewhere worrying about me, wondering where I was.  That I couldn't go back and force a red pill down his throat and bring him into the real world with me.  _Because he never existed.  It was mind-blowing._

I lay back down, staring at the ceiling full of pipes and cables, trying to comprehend what I'd just heard.  Trinity rolled toward me and placed her hand on my forehead, gently stroking with her thumb the soft ridge where my eyebrows should have been.  She spoke in a near-whisper.

"The Matrix is a complex program.  It creates a unique 'reality' for everyone plugged into it.  Many of the people that you knew in the Matrix were composites generated from one very large database of actual human characteristics, but they were only composites."

I closed my eyes and let her continue to attempt to comfort me with her voice and with her touch, because I knew it would make her feel better to think she was helping me.  But deep down, I knew that nothing she said or did would be able to placate me at this point, so I continued to ask questions.

"So, everyone experiences a different Matrix?"

"Sort of.  There are some fundamental generalities in the program, obviously.  It's based on late 20th century reality, but personal experiences are quite unique."

She must have noticed the confusion that was surely evident in my face now.  Or felt the ball of tension that was forming between by eyes. 

"Try not to think about it too much right now, Tess.  In time, it will become easier to accept."

"How long did it take you?"

"It took… awhile.  I couldn't say really.  You begin to accept things in stages.  And it helps if you didn't have anything to miss."

_I can see how that would help, I thought._

"And there are some things that you never fully accept.  Those things you just have to put out of your mind and focus on the mission."

I sat up, more relaxed, but still not quite near sleep.  Trinity was trying her best to make me comfortable, but it seemed that every answer led to another question.  I fingered the plug on my left forearm.  It was still hard to believe that it was a part of me. 

"Trinity, what is _my mission?  I understand the ultimate goal of the resistance is to defeat the machines and destroy the Matrix, but what is my role in all of this?  I'm no soldier."_

Trinity sat up as well and put her arm around my shoulders.  I leaned back into the crook of her arm and rested my head on her shoulder.  It felt so... natural.  I felt the tension in my back and neck begin to disappear.

"And you thought I was at 17?  I was a skinny, pale, naïve kid.  A computer geek.  But Morpheus helped to me see what I could become.  He showed me how important I could be to the resistance.  He trained me to be a soldier, but it took time, Tess.  It was a long road from the kid I was then to the woman I am now.  And I'm still learning.  Every day - I'm still training.  Morpheus says that soon he'll take me to see the Oracle and then I'll be even more focused." 

"The Oracle?" 

"The Oracle is a very old, very wise member of the resistance.  She lives in the Matrix and serves as a guide for us in our fight.  Morpheus has visited her several times.  On his last visit, she told him that he would find the One."

"The One?" I asked, settling deeper into the nook that she created for me.  My eyelids were finally beginning to get heavy. 

"Morpheus believes that there is one man who is destined to end this war and destroy the Matrix, freeing everyone still trapped inside.  The Oracle told him he would find this person and he's made it his mission ever since."

"Do you believe him?" 

"I'm not sure.  I trust Morpheus and I want to believe him. Maybe when I go see the Oracle myself... I'd like to think that one day someone will come along to end all this for us, but until then, I guess all we can do is fight." 

I sighed, knowing that I was just minutes away from the dream world.  "I'm not much of a fighter...," I managed to mutter.

Trinity quieted her voice to a soothing whisper, realizing how near sleep I was.

"You may not be a soldier, Tess, but I do think there are great things in store for you.  I believe that there is a reason that you are here.  I wouldn't have pulled you out, if I didn't believe that."

  There was much to think about, much to contemplate, to come to terms with.  But all that would have to wait until the next morning, because before I knew it, I began to drift off. I felt Trinity gently slide her arm out from under me and lay me back on the pillow. 

"Trinity, please stay with me," I muttered softly.

"Sure," she whispered, lightly stroking my cheek with the backs of her fingers as my consciousness began to slip away.  But just before it did, I heard the door to my cabin slowly creak open.

"Hey there.  How's the newbie?" 

"Sleeping." 

"Good. I'm heading down to the mess. Need anything?"  

"Stryker, I hate to ask, but do you mind taking my shift tonight?  I want to stay here with her."

"Anything for you, love.  It's good that you're staying with her.  I think she needs you.  How's she getting on - really?"

"She needs some time to adjust, but I think she'll be just fine." 

With that reassurance from Trinity, I slept.

########

I dreamed of Simon that night. We were children again, playing in our parent's den on a rainy summer afternoon.  He was reading to me from my favorite book:

_'Dear, dear!__ How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!'_

Simon continued to read as I sat and stared out at the rain streaming down the picture window, blissfully content, fully at peace.  I was entranced nearly as much by his voice as I was the rain, but it was the rain that was calling to me.  I suddenly felt the need to go outside, to walk in the rain, to feel it on my face.  

I crossed the room and kissed my brother on the cheek and whispered goodbye.  I walked out the front door and into the street where I let the rain drench me from head to toe.  When I turned around again, the house was gone.  But I could still hear Simon's voice, reading to me one last time.  

_'Oh, I've had such a curious dream!' said Alice, and she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about; and when she had finished, her sister kissed her, and said, 'It was a curious dream, dear, certainly: but now run in to your tea; it's getting late.' So __Alice__ got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well she might, what a wonderful dream it had been._


End file.
